New Chemical Element Discovered
by William DeBuvitz
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
OK – yes, it's a joke, unless you have worked with management contaminated by administratium.
It is relatively easy to detect the presence of administratium in the people with whom you work. It produces an anal blockage that incapacitates the ability to think. There is no known cure. If you confront an administrator who is infected, you will suffer the wrath of Zeus. Better to back away, keep your eyes cast to the ground and feign submission.
Administratium works in strange and unusual ways. often infecting decisions that can damage the host organization beyond repair. Often the only cure is to move to another organization that has not been contaminated. Remember, the price of freedom is constant vigilance, and an open mind.
Skid Crease, Caledon
p.s. This bit of humor was written in April 1988 and appeared in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher. I first used it at the launch of my Global Perspectives: the Periwinkle Project Conference, Mono Cliffs, in February 1989. Eighty administrators were in the audience and, to their credit, they laughed and understood and got out of the way of the Project. William DeBuvitz is a physics professor at Middlesex County College in Edison, New Jersey (USA). He retired in June of 2000.