Stephen & the Amazing Technicolour Snow Job

Every once in a while, a mainstream media journalist captures the moment perfectly. Enter Thomas Walkom with an op ed piece in the Wednesday, August 21, Star titled: Harper plays it for laughs again with stealthmobile. Rather than become angry over the absolute absurdity of another summer of broken promises in the far North, Walkom pulled a Rick Mercer with true Canadian satire dripping from his keyboard.

StealthIt helped me to laugh at an otherwise infuriating situation with a media entourage capturing photo op images of the PM (like this Chris Wattie Reuter's photo in the Globe) while he spewed more methane than melting permafrost in the tundra. Where are the previously promised icebreakers? Where are the previously promised high tech centres? Where are the previously promised Arctic sovereignty military bases? Lots of resource based economics announcements, but where was any mention of toxic breast milk, suicide, drug abuse and social justice inequities? Walkom diffuses the angry confusion by explaining that it was all a joke, that the Prime Minister's "mischievious sense of humour" fools even his ministers who sometimes think he is serious about these proposals.

It is only later, back in the PMO, where illegal Senate payout cheques are cut, that the truth emerges from the Arctic darkness like a stealth snowmobile.Thank goodness for that fiesty Chinese journalist – no, Li, don't apologize to the Conservative manhandlers – we just wish our media had done the same.

And Stephen, thanks for the laughs. Stealth snowmobiles in a rapidly warming Arctic – really, you are such a joker. Can't wait to see the musical.


Skid Crease, Caledon

Put That in Your Pipeline and Smoke It

CirculationPipelines, dear Canada, are not the problem. And the new leader of the Liberal Party of Canada has a solution. Think of pipelines as the circulatory system of the body. If fresh, energized, oxygenated blood is carried to the cells, and stale greenhouse gas blood is carried to the lungs, all is well. If there's a little infection, the white blood cell paramedics go to work; if there's a small leak, the platelet coagulators plug the flow. If the infection or the leak are really big, you need a bigger emergency response team. Or you die.

The problem, our new leader of the third party has deduced, is not the pipeline, but what it carries. Obviously, the more dangerous the contents the higher the level of due diligence. You never hear anyone complain about water pipelines, but if a sewage pipeline bursts in the basement of your Idomo warehouse, well, issue a Papal bull to stop the desecration!

That is why Our Conservative Prime Sinister has decreed that all pipelines in Canada must be constructed to the highest standards, using the best materials, with top technicians on world class salaries doing the installation. Further, he has ensured that all companies have fully financed emergency response teams in place, and pre-loaded compensation insurance plans to deal with any disasters. He did this because he wants to ship tar, not water, across our nation, leaving a bitumen taste in many Canadian mouths.

Enter Captain Charisma with a plan to legalize marijuana. How to ship all that hemp from coast to coast? Why by converting all of the oil and gas pipelines into the great Canadian Cannabis Conduit. JTcoolHe'll just place a fan on the Pacific Coast and blow dry that BC Gold all the way to Halifax (Newfoundland doesn't need THC, they have icebergs). If there's a leak, no one will care. Communities will gather around the spill site with their guitars, light a bonfire and sing sixties songs. Health care costs for fibromyalgia, glaucoma, and post traumatic stress disorder will plummet. The elderly will forget about the reductions in their OAS, and the mood of the entire nation will be altered to one of peace, love, and groovy.

For now, the veins of our body politic remain filled with fossil fuels. But just wait til the next election, man, and pipelines will be cool.


Skid Crease, Caledon

Only Children Hunt for Sport

HuntingTrophiesAfter a recent post, I was asked if I were anti-hunting, and my answer was a clear, "NO." I will ensure that my soon-to-be teenager is skilled in marksmanship with both gun and bow and arrow, and knows how to fish with rod and net. I will ensure that hunter safety trainlng is part of his curriculum for the twenty-first century. I will teach him that if he ever needs to take the life of an animal for food, that he will do it quickly, skillfully and respectfully. But under no circumstances do I support trophy hunting. Big boys with big guns and bigger egos. 

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What a difference a parliamentary democracy makes.

Only one week after the debacle that was the federal budget process, the Ontario government tried the same thing, using the same language. "It's all about balancing the budget, growing the economy, and creating jobs." It certainly isn't about environmental security, social justice, or economic equity.

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