Pipelines, dear Canada, are not the problem. And the new leader of the Liberal Party of Canada has a solution. Think of pipelines as the circulatory system of the body. If fresh, energized, oxygenated blood is carried to the cells, and stale greenhouse gas blood is carried to the lungs, all is well. If there's a little infection, the white blood cell paramedics go to work; if there's a small leak, the platelet coagulators plug the flow. If the infection or the leak are really big, you need a bigger emergency response team. Or you die.
The problem, our new leader of the third party has deduced, is not the pipeline, but what it carries. Obviously, the more dangerous the contents the higher the level of due diligence. You never hear anyone complain about water pipelines, but if a sewage pipeline bursts in the basement of your Idomo warehouse, well, issue a Papal bull to stop the desecration!
That is why Our Conservative Prime Sinister has decreed that all pipelines in Canada must be constructed to the highest standards, using the best materials, with top technicians on world class salaries doing the installation. Further, he has ensured that all companies have fully financed emergency response teams in place, and pre-loaded compensation insurance plans to deal with any disasters. He did this because he wants to ship tar, not water, across our nation, leaving a bitumen taste in many Canadian mouths.
Enter Captain Charisma with a plan to legalize marijuana. How to ship all that hemp from coast to coast? Why by converting all of the oil and gas pipelines into the great Canadian Cannabis Conduit. He'll just place a fan on the Pacific Coast and blow dry that BC Gold all the way to Halifax (Newfoundland doesn't need THC, they have icebergs). If there's a leak, no one will care. Communities will gather around the spill site with their guitars, light a bonfire and sing sixties songs. Health care costs for fibromyalgia, glaucoma, and post traumatic stress disorder will plummet. The elderly will forget about the reductions in their OAS, and the mood of the entire nation will be altered to one of peace, love, and groovy.
For now, the veins of our body politic remain filled with fossil fuels. But just wait til the next election, man, and pipelines will be cool.
Skid Crease, Caledon