There is a huge room hidden deep underground at the Mar a Lago Golf Resort in Florida. It is the infamous Presidential NAMING ROOM. The Orange House, the new official home and office of the President of the United States, rises above ground shielding the Naming Room from intelligent thought and international law.
On this particular day, the President had summoned his favourite “YES” team of adoring acolytes to redraw a map of the world. The Don called attendance. “J.D.?” ‘Praise be, my Lord,” responded J.D. “Pete?” “Hooah, Commander!” shouted Pete with an enthusiastic fist pump. “Howard?” Silence. “HOWARD?” Howard “Sorry, My Liege, I was just catching up on the latest articles in “Seventeen.”
“I have already decided,” stated the President, “to rename the World.” The YES team nodded in rapturous agreement. “We are going to rename Earth “Kallstadt” after my German Grandfather and Grandmother.””Whoa!”” cried Howard. “I thought your family was Swedish.”
The Don snickered, “That’s what we told people to avoid offending our Jewish clients in the real estate industry in New York. Yep, our family has been liars ever since we emigrated here from Germany,”
“I’m uncomfortable with this meeting,” whined Howard.
“Would you be more comfortable if I released the full Epstein flight logs?” The Don snapped. Howard fell silent.
“Next,” said the President, We are going to rename Israel as Jesus Land. I haven’t told Bibi yet.”
“Hooah!” shouted Pete, realizing his born-again ChristoFascist dream had finally come true, but totally unaware of the consequences. Like, that he would be destroying the teachings of peace, love, and groovy.
“OK, and after we rename every water body in the world as Gulf, Ocean, lake, river stream, pond. slough as America,” crowed The Don, ” I have scheduled our invasion of Canada. We will take ungrateful Canada as the 51st State in a secret attack in the spring of 2027!”
There was a stunned silence from the YES team. “Our Lord,” they cried in unison. “but Canada breeds Black Flies in May and June, and Mosquitoes in July and August!” “And then, Our Most Holy, the temperature drops and our camouflage suits are set for deserts and not the multi-coloured northern forests of September and October!”
“What’s worse,” whimpered Caribbean St. James Island loving Lutnick, “the frost starts in November, and winter freeze-up sets in from December until March! Can’t we just get our oil from Venezuela? It’s the same very dirty, thick, heavy crude as from Alberta. And we could claim Cuba as the 51st State and reopen all the Havana Casinos to our billionaire buddies.”
The Don put down his Magic Sharpie, blank map of the world, and opened a new container of phentermine, and paused. “We’ll invade on Memorial Day in May – it will be a celebration of our military might! It will be the BIGGEST SURPRISE INVASION IN THE HISTORY OF PLANET AMERICA!”
Pete fist pumped, J.D. prayed, and Howard wet himself.
***
It took 50 Back Hawk helicopters (and one Golden Eagle helicopter named by Sharpie Executive Order for the President) to evacuate the invading forces. It was a blueberry pollinating, black fly infested day in May, 2027 when another attempt by the Republic of America failed to claim Canada. A fleet of Swedish-Canadian Gripon jets over the Great Canadian Lakes kept the skies safe for us all. In a strange twist of fate, German made submarines patrolled our coastlines, protecting us from the disease infested USA aircraft carriers and destroyers.
Oh, Canada!
“Give us a Lake to Swim, and a Lake to Row
And call this Lake Ontario!
A lake to swim, a lake to row
Lake Ontari-ari-ario!”
I stood with my mom and watched Marilyn Bell come out of the water in 1954. I was eight years old. She was the first recorded person ever to complete the swim across lamprey eel infested Lake Ontario. This woman stands head and shoulders above the man with the Magic Sharpie. It will always be Lake Ontario – from First People’s history to the best of our colonial heroes. This is our place to stand and grow! The way I see it.
Skid Crease, Caledon
***