How to Survive the 2020 US Election

  1. Buy a bottle of champagne.
  2. Do not open on the evening of November 3, 2020!
  3. Leave it on ice until Valentine’s Day.
  4. Uncork in February 2021 and either celebrate joy or soothe your sorrows.

Yes, champagne is apparently the choice of people celebrating democracy. In the US, Republicans prefer bourbon, Democrats like martinis, and bipartisan folks prefer rum according to the “Politically Correct Guide to Favourite Drinks Following an American Election” reference site.

Now, this might be rich coming from the designated driver who prefers Svalbar├░i Polar Iceberg Water for those truly momentous occasions, but the point is … WAIT. Nothing in this election will be normal. Even if there is an overwhelming landslide for the Biden-Harris ticket and the Democrats take back the Senate, Trump will sue because he, in his own mind, can never lose. Therefore, if he loses, the election must have been fixed, and his Supreme Court will rule the day to correct this terrible wrong.

So, given that reality, in order to survive the election, collect all of your family’s communications devices, shut down your home Internet, and go away into the wilderness for three months. At least. Commune with nature, eat beech nuts, and listen to the wind. Come back when the insanity is over.

Doubtless, upon your return, the results will continue to be endlessly debated by media pundits of all stripes, the right and left and middle and extreme fringes will still not be playing nice, COVID -19 or some other pandemic will be in another cycle, and that champagne will taste bubbly and just fine in February,. Cheers!

The way I see it.

***

Skid Crease, Caledon

*image from smithsonian.com

 

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