Category Archives: Humour

A Tale of Two Camps

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“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way – in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

So begins Charles Dickens’ classic novel, A Tale of Two Cities. And so begins the next four years of reign in Ontario and Caledon. Will heads roll like in the French Revolution and the Reign of Terror, or will cooler heads prevail? The superlatives of comparison made me wonder about something closer to home.

If you live in Canada, you are well aware that June 6, 2018 is Tim Horton’s Camp Day. Choosing the right Camp for your children is a very important process for parents. Choosing the camp that you are in is also very important for adults. You get known by the company you keep. Let us reflect on a modern “Tale of Two Camps” and decide which one we want our children to attend.

Both camps share the opposite shorelines of a beautiful central Ontario lake. They both have adequate cabins for the campers and traditional lodges for meals and camp singsongs and an identical selection of activities for children to enjoy. However, for whatever reason, the personalities of the campers who go to these camps is very different.

Camp A is filled with campers who are happy, positive, empathetic and intelligent. They work together to solve problems, sing through rainy day weather, and help out without being asked. They are highly skilled in all of the activities, hardly ever missing a target in archery, and rarely tip a canoe. If they do tip over, they rescue the canoe quickly and never blame their paddling partners. They write thoughtful letters to their families every week, share their tuck shop treats, and always speak respectfully to their peers and counsellors.

Camp B, on the other hand, is filled with what my dear departed Mom used to call Negative Nellies. For whatever reason, the campers are always looking for the worst in other people and bring out the worst in each other. They have potty mouths, insult other campers, and put down just about every good idea the camp counsellors develop.

They complain about everything, rarely help the camp accomplish anything positive unless it makes them look good, and constantly grandstand for attention. If their canoe tips, they always blame their paddling partners. They never thank their families for giving them the opportunity to go to this beautiful camp and they rarely speak respectfully to their peers and counsellors.

You, very caring parent, have a choice of sending your child to Camp A or Camp B. Choose wisely.

And have a Happy Camp Day on June 6, 2018.

***

Skid Crease, Caledon

The Colour Purple

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There is a rumour in Caledon that stores are running out of purple paint. This would be unusual if it were not for the upcoming Ontario elections. Certain candidates, not wishing to be associated with the orange, green and red of the left of centre, or the new blue of the far right of centre, have chosen the colour purple as their compromise.

So what exactly does the colour purple symbolize? Traditionally purple is associated with royalty. luxury, power and ambition. A light lilac purple evokes an aura of feminine energy and mystery whereas deep purple indicates gloom, sadness and frustration. If you have too little purple you get powerlessness, negativity and apathy. But if you get too much purple you are surrounded by irritability, impatience, moodiness and arrogance. Clearly, purple is a colour that evokes many subliminal responses in people and can deliver a mixed and confusing message.

However, when used by political candidates, the message is clear. We, the comfortable electorate, will have no real idea on which side of the fence or the political spectrum he or she stands. Their purple is a perplexing conundrum and lacks clarity and transparency. It is a purple wool being pulled down over our eyes.

To make it absolutely clear how insidious this subliminal advertising is, consider these definitions from Jennifer Bourn writing for the Bourn Creative in January 2011: “The term ‘purple prose’ is used in reference to large exaggerations, lies, and highly imaginative writings. The expression ‘purple speech’ is used to describe profanity and bad language. The saying ‘purple haze’ refers to confusion or euphoria which may be drug-induced.”

During this upcoming election cycle, if you see candidates advertising in purple you should be aware of the subliminal advertising involved. Consider that Hank’s wife Marie in the hit series Breaking Bad always wore the colour purple, a misleading attempt to delude herself and others into thinking she was royalty. When they write brochures in “purple prose” and speak in “purple speech” they may be in a “purple haze” and want you to be just as confused when you vote.

I haven’t seen anything purple on the lawns or roadsides yet as this provincial election heats up, but there is a municipal election coming, so keep up your guard. We don’t need any purple reign in Caledon. Long live the red, orange, green and Bill Davis blue.

The way I see it.

***

Skid Crease, Caledon

Caledon Enterprise: worth repeating

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In the Thursday May 24, 2018 issue of the Caledon Enterprise, columnist and globally respected journalist Hap Parnaby penned a commentary that reminded me of Churchill’s warnings to Chamberlain and England. Hap’s historical observations are closer to home here in Ontario, and the coming storm may not have global consequences, but the chaos in our backyards could be locally catastrophic.

The article is titled: “Countdown to the June 7 provincial election” and begins with the excerpt “There is nothing in the resume of Douglas Robert Ford that suggests he has the makings of an Ontario premier.” I urge you all to read it, and read it again before you head to the polls on June 7. We have been watching the comi-tragedy reality show south of our borders playing out for the past year, and I hope that we don’t get the Canadian made spin-off in Ontario.

Twitter contributor Picard@Picard_M_Maker summed it up this way yesterday: “Doug Ford is like the cruelty of Mike Harris, the sleaziness of Patrick Brown, the incompetence of Tom Hudak, the corruption of Stephen Harper, and the bigotry and populism of Donald Trump.” All rolled into one. Now, we may not agree with all of  Picard’s choices, but if all of those perspectives are accurate that would make Mr. Ford a very scary package.

I generally voted Progressive Conservative provincially and Liberal federally That changed provincially in the ‘90s when Mike Harris’s Common Stench Revolution flooded Ontario like an overflowing sewer. That stench lingers to this day. If you scratch and sniff Doug Ford’s lack of written policy papers, you’ll very quickly  get that acrid scent of pig manure being spread on the Ontario landscape, But if our province has gone “nose blind”, we’re going to need a really big can of Febreze. The way I see it.

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Skid Crease, Caledon

Caledon’s Community Farm

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Originally written for Patti Foley’s Just Sayin’ Caledon

The Albion Hills Community Farm, tucked in the north west corner of Albion Hills Conservation Area. is one of the hidden gems in Caledon. The site of a former dairy farm in the area, the land has been reborn as a hub of local food production for the community.

Besides the Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) program that supplies fresh produce to our Farmer’s Market or through food boxes that can be ordered by residents, the Farm also offers community gardens. These plots are rented every year by keen gardeners who prepare their plots with love and respect.

This year, as a result of caring for the Backyard Hens Pilot Program on site, I decided to take on a plot with the intention of growing some of the food needed for the chickens. It quickly evolved into much more than that when I saw the size of the strip I had rented. Besides the fresh food for the hens, and some traditional vegetables for the home table, I decided to honour the heritage of the land.

Not the very recent European arrivals after the War of 1812, but the thousands of years of hunting, trading and agriculture that were the history of the Mississaugas. To honour that culture, we now have a “Three Sisters” section of traditional Mandan Bride corn, Rattlesnake snap beans and squash. The wisdom here is that the corn grows tall, the beans climb the corn, and the squash leaves shield the ground to hold in the moisture. Under the surface an amazing symbiotic nutrient exchange takes place in the soil.

I would have planted a few smelt in each of our Three Sisters hills, but that tiny fish is one of the victims of colonial deforestation, agriculture, industrial pollution, overfishing and invasive species  in the Great Lakes. Their decline is so concerning that one researcher has coined the phrase “smeltdown” to describe their vanishing act.

Instead we’ll be using Gaia Green organic fertilizer from the award winning Plant Paradise Country Gardens just down the road. In addition, a four winds medicine garden with the smudging herbs sage, sweet grass, cedar, and tobacco will provide us with a gift for my friend, Elder Garry Sault, when I see him at Lake Simcoe for the autumnal equinox. A traditional way of cleansing the community and the sins of our forebearers.

For now, I simply enjoy the culture of my fellow gardeners from around the world who now call Caledon their home. A community of people who share, work hard, tell good stories, and love the land. And they are really going to love our organic, Omega 3, free run eggs when the Farm Gate sales begin in a few weeks. We already have two dozen in the fridge from our 4 Golden Girls, and the Canadian Heritage Chanteclers will arrive at the end of the month to add to that production.

To help keep them in the best feed possible, I have rewritten the Mary Poppins song to read, “Feed the hens, toonie a day. Toonie, toonie, toonie a day …” with all proceeds from the royalties going to bird seed.

From 8,000 years ago when children collected wild bird eggs fast forward to 2018 in Caledon and children collecting our hen’s eggs, it’s still all about healthy local food and shelter and safety and community and respect for the land. We lost it for a while, but it sure is alive and well once again at Albion Hills Community Farm.

The way I see it.

***

Skid Crease, journalist

Durham EcoSummit 2018

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EcoSummit 2018 Durham District School Board On Monday, May14th I had the honour of delivering the keynote address to the student leaders from a full cross-section of Durham Region secondary schools at their 2018 EcoSummit titled Beyond Talk. Organized by student leader Aidan Brushett, the conference was an inspirational and informative success. These are the teenagers who give us hope for the future – engaged in positive problem solving, open to creative solutions to build sustainable communities, and committed to put their words into action.

I have been doing this since 1970 with my own classes, and nationally since 1988, so this would be the 30th anniversary of attempting to move awareness to knowledge to action. At the conference I met a colleague who reminded me of how long we have been trying to get a comfortable society’s collective head out of the sand.

The first consensus climate change warnings were issued by the World Meteorological scientists at the “The Changing Atmosphere” Toronto conference in 1988. In 2018 we have Donald Trump and Doug Ford denying climate change realities. In 1988, we were warned about insect vector disease spread with thermoclines moving rapidly north. In 2018, we have the documentation of Lyme Disease as the “First Epidemic” of accelerating climate change. In 1988 we were warned about erratic weather patterns, more severe storms, changes in precipitation and food production. In 2018, we have catastrophic flooding, drought in previous productive food growing areas, and a disposed, hungry and angry humanity at the edge of starvation from Africa to the Middle East. On the other hand, life in much of the world is better than ever, with longer life spans, access to medicine and health care and education. And yet the gap between the very rich and the many poor of this planet is increasing. We are beginning to realize that we are simply pretty well off serfs catching the trickle down crumbs from the corporate masters of influence in the religious military pharmaceutical industrial complex.

This is not science fiction and these students know it. They are about to inherit the 21st century from a group of adults who have taught them to consume the resources of the Home Planet far above their needs under the philosophy of “Whoever dies with the most toys wins!” The concept of a conserver society is direct anathema to a consumer society. So, how do we put our environmentally literate words into action? Keep It Simple Stupid. We turn off the energy when not needed, we practice the 5 R’s (reduce, reuse, recycle, rethink and relax). As students, we put into action the practical things we have the power to do. We don’t buy the car, or the appliances, or the house, or vote. BUT we can use our voices to ask our parents to make wise choice for us.

No need to by a Ranger Rover to drive 5 km to the grocery store. No need to buy a 40,000 sq. ft. home for a family of 3. No need to buy from companies with unsustainable business practices. And no need to vote for alt-right wing populist politicians who are climate change deniers. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad.

These students were well-informed and critical thinkers – something most politicians hate. When I told them that with one week of solid research on the local environmental issue of their choice they could be better informed than any politician on Town Council they were astounded. Equally amazed that they could mail a letter to their Prime Minister without any postage stamp. And equally challenged that if they prayed for potatoes, they had better pick up the hoe. Like many of us, these students were well aware of the issues.

In the same breath, they recognize that we are one of the most spoiled and privileged societies on the face of Earth. If, by some roll of the dice, we had been born in Syria or the Sudan, how different would our lives be? And so, like Private Ryan, with the luxury of life and education and a relatively safe society, how do we honour this gift, how do we earn it? This privilege of having enough water and food and shelter and safety and education that we can give back something of an intelligent legacy to the planet.

Many members of the student audience commented after that my talk was inspirational, and that I made them laugh and cry with my stories. One even said that he thought I should be a professional stand-up comedian. In these days of government approved climate change deniers, laughter is still the best medicine.

A good friend and colleague, Kale Black, drove me to and from the event. He too is committed to positive sustainable development for communities. We talked on the route back in his hybrid Camray about that repetitive cycle where environmental sensitivities take the forefront and then dip to economic concerns.

Yes, we get impassioned and turn off all our lights for one Earth Hour and then blaze them for the next 364 days plus 23 hours. This is a species about to earn the next Darwin Award. We have to decide if we want to go down as homo sapiens sapiens or homo sapiens stupidus.

Do we want to say to our children and the next generation that we said we cared, but we really didn’t do anything about it because it was all about the economy, stupid? Besides which there were just so many reality shows and Netflix series to watch. Or do we want to show them that with the best of our current knowledge,we made good decisions for the next seven generations.

I am getting closer to composting, but my wife and children and grandchildren will inherit this future. I really hope they don’t have to live on Mars eating Matt Damon’s excrement nourished spuds.

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Skid Crease, Caledon