Ontario Premier Doug Ford, 9:00 a.m. Monday November 7, 2022:
“As a gesture of good faith our government is willing to rescind the legislation, are willing to rescind section 33, but only if CUPE agrees to show a similar gesture of good faith by stopping their strike, and letting our kids back into their classrooms.”
The following Q & A is a satire of the press conference that followed that statement ….
Q: Premier Ford, have you changed your position on your use of the notwithstanding clause because of the threat of a general strike across Ontario?
A: No, no, not at all. The only thing I ever wanted was to keep kids in the classroom so that their parents could get back to work to Make Ontario Great Again. Those poor kids, their little psyches scarred from staying at home, their marks falling, my popularity plummeting. Look it’s all about caring for the little children, getting them back in the classroom. (soft weeping sound) I do it all for the kids.
Q: Premier Ford, is it true that you were receiving pressure from business and labour leaders across the country that your use of the notwithstanding clause was a really, really bad idea?
A: No, no, not at all. The only thing I ever wanted was to keep kids in the classroom so that their parents could get back to work to Make Ontario Great Again. Those poor kids, their little psyches scarred from staying at home, their marks falling, my popularity plummeting. Look it’s all about caring for the little children, getting them back in the classroom. (soft weeping sound) I do it all for the kids.
Q: Premier Ford, has pressure from this political protest, coupled with the public outcry over your broken promise to never open the Greenbelt to developers, placed your leadership in jeopardy?
A: No, no, not at all. All these little children I love will need homes one day once they graduate, or drop out like I did. The only thing I ever wanted was to keep kids in the classroom so that their parents could get back to work to Make Ontario Great Again. These kids will get jobs and buy homes in the former Greenbelt one day. Look it’s all about caring for the little children, getting them back in the classroom. (soft weeping sound) I do it all for the kids.
Q: Premier Ford, are the developers who want to build homes in the former Greenbelt under pressure from their labour unions to get you to reverse your stance on the ill-advised use of the notwithstanding clause.
A: No, no,not at all. The construction guys and gals love me. The only thing I ever wanted was to keep kids in the classroom so that their parents could get back to work to Make Ontario Great Again. Those poor kids, their little psyches scarred from staying at home, their marks falling, my popularity plummeting. Look it’s all about caring for the little children, getting them back in the classroom. (soft weeping sound) I do it all for the kids.
Q: Premier Ford, some have criticized the content and tone of your speech this morning as insincere. What is your comment on that observation.
A: Hey, it worked during the last Ontario election, We’ll just keep numbing and dumbing Ontario down until we win another majority. My marketing team can take toxic manure and spin it into sentimental mush faster than you can drain a wetland. Once we shift all the blame for this disruption to CUPE, the public will be back on our side. Those poor children, those suffering parents. After this great speech, everyone’s gonna believe that I do it all for the kids. Really.
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UPDATE: Within hours of the Premier’s announcement, CUPE announced that their workers will be back in the classrooms on Tuesday. Now let’s see how long “as soon as possible’ is for the Ford government to repeal Bill 28 in its entirety, as promised.
Skid Crease, Caledon
The mask was made famous in recent cinematic history by the anarchist hero of “V for Vendetta” in a stark black and white rendition. William Rookwood could be an allegorical figure representing every protester from Portland to Caledonia to Lagos to Minsk to Hong Kong. Unlike V in his farewell bed of roses on an explosives laden train, the historical Guy Fawkes was captured before he could blow up the Parliament Buildings. He was tried and sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered. While climbing up the hanging ladder, he jumped off and broke his neck, dying instantly in a final act of protest.