Category Archives: Humour

Bolton’s Trojan Horse

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Before we begin this cautionary tale, remember the name MJJJ Developments.

Trust me.

Trojan Horse - 44168726

There are very few people who are not aware of the famous story of the Trojan Horse. It harkens back to the days of Greek legends when their army was attacking Troy but seemed unable to breach the walls of the great city. One morning the Trojans woke up to see that the Greek army and ships had disappeared, but standing outside the gates of the city was a magnificent huge wooden horse.

The Trojans thought that this was a tribute to Troy and they dragged the great horse through the gates into the city centre. Victory celebrations ensued with much drinking and carousing until the victorious Trojans eventually passed out for the night. Little did they know that in the hollow belly of the horse a group of Greek soldiers were hiding. Under cover of darkness, they climbed out, opened the city gates for the returning Greek army, and sacked the city of Troy. Thus was born the expression, ”Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”

Legend has it that the surviving Trojans fled to Italy carrying their mythology with them and became the foundation of the Roman Empire. That was then. But the hard lesson learned by the Trojans still holds true today.

Here’s a modern version. Imagine that a local company wants to build an asphalt processing plant in the prestige industrial area of your town. The problem is that the Town Council and the citizens of the Town and the other businesses in the prestige industrial area are opposed to the idea of petrochemical pollution fouling the air of their community and endangering their health. So the clever company enlists the help of a local community “leader” to help drag a Trojan Horse into the Town. It is disguised as a bocce centre, a “gift” to the Town, for which the Town will pay thousands of dollars in perpetuity for the upkeep of the “gift.” The “leader” who brought the “gift” into Town repeatedly acclaims the health and recreation benefits this “gift” will bring to a minuscule portion of the town’s population.

However, hidden inside the belly of the Trojan horse bocce centre is an asphalt processing plant. And last week the belly of the beast opened up with the approval of the Ontario Land Tribunal. That interim approval did not come easily. Someone must have facilitated a lot of coaching in 2018 and 2019 to help the company navigate the environmental requirements of the Ministry of Environment, Conservation and Parks. That coaching paved the way for the company’s successful appeal to the Ontario Land Tribunal. The asphalt processing plant will now be built and the town will be sacked with petrochemical pollution for generations to come. Not just a tiny portion of the town’s population. Everyone.

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Remember that name MJJJ Developments? That’s the company whose lawyers successfully argued against the wishes of the Town and its citizens and its businesses. You can read part of the story in the October 13, 2022 edition of the Caledon Citizen. I am always intrigued when a company slides its brand name under layers. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Ozark. In this case, MJJJ Developments is Dig-Con International Ltd is DiGregorio International Paving & Construction Ltd.

Bocce anyone?

***

Skid Crease, Caledon

On a more positive Note: “Boccia Canada is the boccia delivery arm of the Canadian Cerebral Palsy Sports Association focused on providing athletes and individuals of all ages with the chance to play a unique Paralympic sport.

Boccia Canada is committed to supporting boccia athletes, coaches, partners and volunteers to achieve their potential. We strive to offer opportunities for individuals to participate at all levels and encourage people to get involved in boccia in any way possible.”

Freedom versus Freedumb

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WARNING: This semi-satiric opinion piece contains descriptions of ghastly violence not suitable for young children or politically correct adults.

Freedumb" Sticker by Michaelnilson | Redbubble

Ah, remember being stirred by the dying shout from the actor Mel Gibson in the movie “Braveheart”  as he screamed out “FREEDOM!” from the executioner’s block?  Many people forget that the movie was a fictional account of the life of the real William Wallace. There is the reel world, and then there is the real world.

In actual historical fact, when Wallace was captured by the English, he was strangled by hanging but released while still alive. That act alone, causing bilateral vocal chord paralysis, would have rendered him unable to speak.

But then he was “emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burned before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts. His silent head was dipped in tar and displayed on a pike atop London Bridge.” His body parts were distributed to four towns and cities across England and Scotland. This is how King Edward I dealt with uprisings in 1305, his own style of our much more humane Emergencies Act.

After tallying the cost, damages, pollution, and desecration of our Capital City and sacred memorials by the so-called “freedom convoy”, Edward’s way may have been a more permanent solution to ending the illegal occupation and subsequent threats of a summer repeat. “Freedom” can quickly turn into “Freedumb” when in the heads, hearts and hands of far-right, racist, homophobic, anti-science, misinformation mob mentality, Q-Anon conspiracy theory cultists.

These home-grown “Freedumb” terrorists tried to appropriate our national flag as their symbol, as if their selfish and stupid, fossil fuelled occupation had anything to do with true Canadian values of freedom and the right to dissenting expression. No, I thought the Emergencies Act came in way too late and was far too gentle.

The French use of the guillotine is faster, but a return to the slower but equally permanent punishment of gibbeting would greatly deter disturbances by freedumb fanatics this summer.  Gibbeting was a punishment whereby the criminals could be left hanging in iron cages outside the entrance to the town until they starved to death and the crows and insects finished the job.

Have a safe and happy summer responsibly enjoying our hard won democracy. Let’s try our best to keep the “dumb” out of our freedoms. A little tar might help, the way I see it.

***

Skid Crease, Caledon

Inspiration From “The Trail”

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Recently, it was my honour to be asked to be the “Inspirational Speaker” at the Toronto Bruce Trail Club’s Annual General Meeting. For the second year in a row, their AGM had to go online because of pandemic concerns. This was going to be a challenge, partly because I am a technophobe, and partly because the Bruce Trail is sacred ground for me. In these chaotic times, I wanted to ensure I would deliver that much needed inspiration.

For those new to Ontario, the Bruce Trail was founded in 1960 when four members of the Federation of Ontario Naturalists – Norman Pearson, Ray Lowes, Dr. Robert MacLaren and Dr. Philip Gosling – met to discuss Lowes’s vision of a hiking path that would span the entire Niagara Escarpment.

By 1963, the Bruce Trail Association had incorporated – three years from vision to action. The journey continues to this day with Clubs from nine different sections united in care, conservation and education for the Bruce Trail Conservancy. The Toronto Section runs from Kelso to Cheltenham where my own Caledon Section begins.

My personal history with the Trail began in 1968, with many a solo hike to release the stress of the first years of teaching. In those days there were overnight campsites and cooking areas and access to springs. In 1972, I switched from Elementary to Middle School and thus began eight years of leading student hikes on a “5 day 50 mile” Bruce Trail hike during the last week of September. That was the beginning of a long term relationship culminating with my decade at the Mono Cliffs Outdoor Education Centre right beside the Bruce Trail.

This keynote was much more than another speaking engagement. This was a thank you from the heart and I didn’t want to miss. However, as a public speaker, I am used to live audiences where you can interact, feel the energy, work the room, and physically engage the participants. This online concept was actually making me a little nervous.

Add to that, the frequent and detailed reminders that hit my emailbox alerting me that the meeting was coming, and to get ready for the rehearsal.  Usually when I speak at a conference, I am given a theme, I arrive, get a feel for the audience and then hit the stage, often for an hour straight. This one had a rehearsal. With a script. I was worried. I don’t do rehearsals. And I have never used a script.

When the day for their AGM rehearsal came, I prepared my computer for a ZOOM meeting and waited anxiously. I need not have worried. This rehearsal was to make sure that all of their online connections were working so that their 100 plus members attending in a week could engage, interact, ask questions, and vote. And the script was simply the organizational agenda for the meeting.

Best of all, I got to meet the thirteen members of the Board online  This Toronto Bruce Trail Club Board was organized and efficient and diverse. Too often on hiking trails in the past few years, I kept encountering kindly elderly folk in their Tilley hats and pants with their walking sticks eagerly sharing their nature wisdoms.

Well, this Board, while appearing to certainly be kind and sharing, was anything but homogenised milk about to meet its due date. The thirteen faces I met on the screen were a diverse combination of cultural backgrounds, genders and ages. It was like a breath of fresh air. And to boot, they were technologically literate! The joke around our home is that I can light a fire in the pouring rain with a flint and steel, but I can’t turn on my cell phone.

The sequence of the meeting was confirmed, all the ZOOM buttons tested, the voting boxes checked, and the two hour meeting set for April 10, 2022.

It went off without a hitch. All of the Board’s careful planning smoothed the AGM into a much shorter online time and still managed to cover all of the business, financials, awards and tributes. During that time I learned more about the Toronto Club, the first to publish a statement on the need to encourage cultural diversity, inclusion, and awareness of social justice issues surrounding us all.

I was also reminded of the hard work of the volunteers who maintain and improve the trails through the GTA along the 45 km Toronto section that services the largest Club in the Bruce Trail’s 900 plus kilometres from Niagara to Tobermory. This Club has the biggest membership in the Conservancy and possibly the greatest responsibility to teach the very diverse Toronto Area population about how to walk lightly and responsibly on the land.

As more and more people come to our cities from around the world, we cannot assume that they all had joyous summer camp experiences or outdoor education opportunities in school or nature-based excursions with their parents. More and more the exact opposite is true. The Toronto Bruce Trail Club recognizes this, and the energy to deliver on that responsibility is reflected in their new Board of Directors, the “old wisdoms” of their many volunteers, and the enthusiasm of their members.

When it came time to conclude the meeting, my “inspirational keynote” spontaneously came straight from the heart. All I could see on my computer were a hundred little faces in boxes scrolling at top of my screen. It was hard to know if I had done my job, but the time for questions at the end turned into a series of thank-yous from the participants. I’m hoping it was enough to get this Toronto Bruce Trail Club inspired to take on another year of protecting the legacy and vision of our founders.

Every trail has a story. Every person is a storyteller. This is our story. The way I see it.

***

Skid Crease, Caledon

 

 

 

 

 

 

2022 – From Local Chaos to Global Crisis

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We were hoping it would get better.In Ontario, We seemed to be turning the corner on the COVID-19 pandemic and things were about to get back to “normal” this year. Then came the temper-tantrum truckers who terrorized Ottawa for three weeks because they couldn’t handle the mask or the needle. We had Conservative members of Parliament cheering them on from the bridges of Ottawa. We had to bring in the Emergencies Act to get them out of town because the local police felt helpless to stop the honking diesel fume spewing trucks, and the harassment of local citizens.

They blocked borders, disrupted trade and commerce, sickened a city and forced our democratically elected government to invoke the Emergencies Act for the first time in history. Some of the terrorists got arrested but the rest of them all just went home. The border crossing mask mandate they were protesting still held, and it looks like the legitimate government they were trying to overthrow is sitting pretty until 2025.

The estimated cost to the City of Ottawa, Canada’s capital city, for the so-called “Freedom” Convoy’s selfish stupidity is an estimated $36 million and counting.  We thought that we had it bad.

Then Russia invaded Ukraine and all of our troubles faded in comparison. President Vladimir Putin claimed he was defending Russia’s borders. The UN knew otherwise and condemned his actions. The Kremlin was angry that international leaders were calling Putin a “war criminal” but what do you call a man who shells maternity hospitals and cluster bombs residential neighbourhoods? The UN called it a humanitarian crisis as four  million people fled Ukraine with more than half of those refugees entering neighbouring Poland. More than 10 million people, a quarter of the population, have been forced to leave their homes and belongings. NATO leaders talked about help but refused to call for a “no fly” zone over Ukraine. So much for diplomacy.

Meanwhile, as I write this, Ukraine continues to be pulverized by the Russian war machine. What’s stopping NATO? The very real fear that Putin may retaliate with nuclear weapons leading to a cataclysmic World War Three. While we delay, Ukraine is paying the price for our cowardly failure to admit them to the European Union and NATO. We have colleagues at the Kyiv Osokorky Elementary School currently under siege and begging for European and western assistance. Sometimes there is only one way to stop a bully.

Meanwhile in Ontario, the “Scientific and Chamber of Commerce Advisory Panel” has lifted the mask mandate and begun to Open Ontario for Business once again. Boss Ford faces a provincial election in June, Asphalt Annie wants to run for Mayor of Caledon in our October municipal election, and the weather, after a brief fling with spring, is turning back to cold and snow again. The least of our worries.

2022 is going to be a very interesting year. The way I see it.

***

Skid Crease, Caledon

 

In the Beginning …

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Shab-e Yalda from Persia, Dong Zhi from China, Saturnalia from the Roman Empire, Toji from Japan, Yule from Scandinavia, along with the Anasazi’s Shalako from the Zuni and Soyal from the Hopi all have one thing in common. These sacred events all mark the shortest day of the year in the northern hemisphere and the beginning of a New Year. South of the equator where their winter falls in June, the shortest day of the year was celebrated as Inti Raymi by the Inca in Peru. These sacred days are  embedded in our reptilian brain stems and preserved in the collective consciousness of humankind.

These festivals all mark the seasonal tilt of Earth towards and away from the sun bringing the end to one season and the beginning of another. These are not to be confused with the artificial religious holidays that replaced them when the cult of Judeo-Christianity swept across the Roman Empire in 300 BCE, courtesy of Emperor Constantine’s mother. Nor should they be confused with culturally created holidays like the recent addition of Kwanzaa to the Winter Solstice wannabe list.

The scientific tilt of Earth does not care if you are black, brown, white, yellow, red, green or blue; it does not care if you are from the North, South, East or West. Every octant of Earth in this epoch is guaranteed the same regular passage of the sun’s energy over its lands and waters. It is the human storytellers who imbue these seasonal changes with ritual and myth.

All of the sacred days mentioned in the introduction have one thing in common. They all mark the solar journey from Shortest Day and Longest Night into a New Year. They are not dependent for their existence on the dedication of a temple or the birth of a godson or cultural neediness. Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa are to the Winter Solstice what The Church of Latter Day Saints of Jesus Christ is to Christianity. Bridesmaids who came late to the party all acting like they are the bride.

Still, even if you are late to the party, you can have a lot of fun – tell stories, sing songs, dance, drink and feast. There are a thousand different ways to celebrate our origins born of Fire, Earth, Water, and Air as we honour The Great Mystery That Loves Life. The arts mythologize what science knows. It’s in our nature. Happy New Year!

The way I see it.

***

Skid Crease, Caledon