Category Archives: Humour

The Morning After Pill

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Last night, at 8:00 p.m. when the polls closed on our 2022 Ontario municipal elections, I dutifully removed all my election signs from my lawn. The party was over, the votes had been cast, the people would have chosen, and we awaited the results. I had selected my candidate for Mayor based on her qualifications, track record and lifelong defence of the Town of Caledon. But sometimes the best person for the job doesn’t always win. Sometimes the person with the most signs wins.

This morning I woke up early to find an illegally placed “Annette Groves for Mayor” sign on my front lawn without my permission. There are only a few people in Town stupid enough to ever put that name on my lawn. It was one of those low-life vindictive touches that only the bottom of the barrel can deliver. I burst out laughing. That gesture said it all: this is what we can expect in Caledon for the next four years, so we might as well get a good chuckle out of it.

When I was asked for a prediction for the election last week. I replied, “In a world that could elect Donald Trump president of the USA, Doug Ford as premier of Ontario, Pierre Poilievre as leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, and Danielle Smith as leader of the United Conservative Party of Alberta,  anything is possible.” 

The people are a little crazy right now with pandemic weariness, economic pressures, and populist fake news that has made our minds numb. In that state it is easy to fall prey to the most aggressive predator, to take out our frustration on “the other”, to be swayed by misinformation.

And so we make bad decisions. There is no morning after pill for this one. We’ll just have to wait and see. We’ve got four years before the next report card is delivered, and we’ll be using the new “full disclosure”  curriculum to evaluate this Council’s progress. It’s hard to beat honesty and integrity. The way I see it.

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Skid Crease, Caledon 

 

Caledon Perspectives

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The Pointless … on the hunt for truthiness. 

All Bias. All Influence. Just the stuff we make up. For Stories That Matter to Caledon

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CALEDON PERSPECTIVES

by Sam Cruel

This second edition pays homage to the other great media giants who helped to inspire reporting in The Pointless. The groundbreaking work by American media  like The National Enquirer, The Globe, The National Examiner, and local Canadian heroes like The Toronto Sun, The Pointer, and Rebel Media created exactly the kind of gullible, brain numb audience we need for our blatantly partisan reporting.

Of course this list would not be complete without mentioning our local rurban role model, the short-lived Caledon Perspectives. If you were living in Caledon during the tenure of Mayor Marolyn Morrison you will remember that this tiny tabloid was published during a controversial fight over a small chunk of undeveloped land in south Bolton. The Town wanted to develop it one way, but the speculator who owned it had different plans. When the Town didn’t do what he wanted, he created his own partisan “community newspaper” to promote his agenda. Overnight, newspaper boxes sprang up all over Bolton and other parts of Caledon.

To ensure that only his perspective would be foisted on the unsuspecting Town, he made one of his development company’s marketing staff the “Editor” and ace reporter. To further beguile the Town he lured a legitimate reporter away from one of the other local newspapers. This brilliant strategy allowed the Perspectives team to attack the Mayor and the Town while supporting a candidate of their choice.

Sadly, after losing lawsuit after lawsuit, and when his candidate failed in her mayoral bid, the Perspectives pulled up stakes in Caledon and was last seen trying the same clever strategy in Niagara region. Fortunately some of the same reporters and pseudo journalists who were so inspired by The Perspectives approach are still here in Peel Region supporting the same political candidate.

And so, with credit to the rapping wordsmith Eminem, the first annual winner of our “Same Shit Different Toilet” Award is Brampton’s The Pointer for expanding their territory to include smearing candidates from Caledon. After all, when your own toilet is clogged, it’s good to have an outhouse in the country.

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The Pointless is a new muckraking version of the news bringing Caledon the best of conspiracy theories, QAnon myths, coffee shop gossip, and opinions founded in misinformation. We take great pride in fact checking nothing that comes across our editorial desk. We also exclusively support positive opinions about people and politicians of whom our publisher approves. Don’t worry, dear gullible reader, if we can’t find a source for the story we need, we just make it up!

The Pointless … on the hunt for truthiness.

 

The Pointless

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On the hunt for truthiness.

All Bias. All Influence. Just the stuff we make up. For Stories That Matter to Caledon

FIGHT TRUTH DECAY – People Power Press for Custom Buttons, Button Makers, Button Machines and Button & Pin Parts

GUESS WHO  by Sam Cruel

This is the first edition of The Pointless, a new muckraking version of the news, bringing Caledon the best of conspiracy theories, QAnon myths, coffee shop gossip, and opinions founded in misinformation. We take great pride in fact checking nothing that comes across our editorial desk. We also exclusively support positive opinions about people and politicians of whom our publisher approves. Don’t worry, dear gullible reader, if we can’t find a source for the story we need, we just make it up!

In this premiere issue we begin with a simple quiz. Guess who made this statement:

“We will see exactly what happened to Brampton 30 years ago happen to Caledon,” ____?_____ said. “This is a developer driven plan supported by members of our community who are clearly working for larger corporate builders, not the hard working residents of Caledon who do not want their beautiful community planned by private interests that will turn our community into a string of crowded subdivisions, warehouses, and asphalt plants over-run by large commercial transport trucks, just like Brampton.”

Here are your eight choices Caledon,  in alphabetical order:

  1. Doug Ford
  2. Annette Groves
  3. Jennifer Innis
  4. Sylvia Jones
  5. Marolyn Morrison
  6. Kyle Seeback
  7. Allan Thomson
  8. Justin Trudeau

If you have been following our deceiving drivel leading up to the municipal election of October 24, 2022, it should be an easy guess. Send your answers in to the comment section of this edition of

The Pointless: on the hunt for truthiness. 

All Bias. All Influence. Just the stuff we make up. For Stories That Matter to Caledon

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adapted from the original report by Anukul Thakur, The Pointer March 9, 2022

Bolton’s Trojan Horse

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Before we begin this cautionary tale, remember the name MJJJ Developments.

Trust me.

Trojan Horse - 44168726

There are very few people who are not aware of the famous story of the Trojan Horse. It harkens back to the days of Greek legends when their army was attacking Troy but seemed unable to breach the walls of the great city. One morning the Trojans woke up to see that the Greek army and ships had disappeared, but standing outside the gates of the city was a magnificent huge wooden horse.

The Trojans thought that this was a tribute to Troy and they dragged the great horse through the gates into the city centre. Victory celebrations ensued with much drinking and carousing until the victorious Trojans eventually passed out for the night. Little did they know that in the hollow belly of the horse a group of Greek soldiers were hiding. Under cover of darkness, they climbed out, opened the city gates for the returning Greek army, and sacked the city of Troy. Thus was born the expression, ”Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.”

Legend has it that the surviving Trojans fled to Italy carrying their mythology with them and became the foundation of the Roman Empire. That was then. But the hard lesson learned by the Trojans still holds true today.

Here’s a modern version. Imagine that a local company wants to build an asphalt processing plant in the prestige industrial area of your town. The problem is that the Town Council and the citizens of the Town and the other businesses in the prestige industrial area are opposed to the idea of petrochemical pollution fouling the air of their community and endangering their health. So the clever company enlists the help of a local community “leader” to help drag a Trojan Horse into the Town. It is disguised as a bocce centre, a “gift” to the Town, for which the Town will pay thousands of dollars in perpetuity for the upkeep of the “gift.” The “leader” who brought the “gift” into Town repeatedly acclaims the health and recreation benefits this “gift” will bring to a minuscule portion of the town’s population.

However, hidden inside the belly of the Trojan horse bocce centre is an asphalt processing plant. And last week the belly of the beast opened up with the approval of the Ontario Land Tribunal. That interim approval did not come easily. Someone must have facilitated a lot of coaching in 2018 and 2019 to help the company navigate the environmental requirements of the Ministry of Environment, Conservation and Parks. That coaching paved the way for the company’s successful appeal to the Ontario Land Tribunal. The asphalt processing plant will now be built and the town will be sacked with petrochemical pollution for generations to come. Not just a tiny portion of the town’s population. Everyone.

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Remember that name MJJJ Developments? That’s the company whose lawyers successfully argued against the wishes of the Town and its citizens and its businesses. You can read part of the story in the October 13, 2022 edition of the Caledon Citizen. I am always intrigued when a company slides its brand name under layers. Maybe I’ve been watching too much Ozark. In this case, MJJJ Developments is Dig-Con International Ltd is DiGregorio International Paving & Construction Ltd.

Bocce anyone?

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Skid Crease, Caledon

On a more positive Note: “Boccia Canada is the boccia delivery arm of the Canadian Cerebral Palsy Sports Association focused on providing athletes and individuals of all ages with the chance to play a unique Paralympic sport.

Boccia Canada is committed to supporting boccia athletes, coaches, partners and volunteers to achieve their potential. We strive to offer opportunities for individuals to participate at all levels and encourage people to get involved in boccia in any way possible.”

Freedom versus Freedumb

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WARNING: This semi-satiric opinion piece contains descriptions of ghastly violence not suitable for young children or politically correct adults.

Freedumb" Sticker by Michaelnilson | Redbubble

Ah, remember being stirred by the dying shout from the actor Mel Gibson in the movie “Braveheart”  as he screamed out “FREEDOM!” from the executioner’s block?  Many people forget that the movie was a fictional account of the life of the real William Wallace. There is the reel world, and then there is the real world.

In actual historical fact, when Wallace was captured by the English, he was strangled by hanging but released while still alive. That act alone, causing bilateral vocal chord paralysis, would have rendered him unable to speak.

But then he was “emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burned before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts. His silent head was dipped in tar and displayed on a pike atop London Bridge.” His body parts were distributed to four towns and cities across England and Scotland. This is how King Edward I dealt with uprisings in 1305, his own style of our much more humane Emergencies Act.

After tallying the cost, damages, pollution, and desecration of our Capital City and sacred memorials by the so-called “freedom convoy”, Edward’s way may have been a more permanent solution to ending the illegal occupation and subsequent threats of a summer repeat. “Freedom” can quickly turn into “Freedumb” when in the heads, hearts and hands of far-right, racist, homophobic, anti-science, misinformation mob mentality, Q-Anon conspiracy theory cultists.

These home-grown “Freedumb” terrorists tried to appropriate our national flag as their symbol, as if their selfish and stupid, fossil fuelled occupation had anything to do with true Canadian values of freedom and the right to dissenting expression. No, I thought the Emergencies Act came in way too late and was far too gentle.

The French use of the guillotine is faster, but a return to the slower but equally permanent punishment of gibbeting would greatly deter disturbances by freedumb fanatics this summer.  Gibbeting was a punishment whereby the criminals could be left hanging in iron cages outside the entrance to the town until they starved to death and the crows and insects finished the job.

Have a safe and happy summer responsibly enjoying our hard won democracy. Let’s try our best to keep the “dumb” out of our freedoms. A little tar might help, the way I see it.

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Skid Crease, Caledon