Category Archives: Humour

The Holyday is Over for Hudak

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The recent by-election results in Ontario could be very bad news for the righties in Toronto. Toronto Council will be losing the reasonably competent Doug Holyday and Rob Ford will be losing a key ally. Provincially, Holyday's voice will unfortunately be neutered as an Opposition MPP, and locally a Ford-unfriendly Council could bypass an election and appoint a burr under the cheeks of Doug and Rob.Hudak

For Tim Hudak the news is even worse. Holyday's bragging rights were short lived – when the dust settled, the Liberals had taken 2 out of 3 close races. In his own riding of Etobicoke, fully supported by Ford Nation and the endorsement of Mike Harris, Holyday only led by 4%. In Scarborough the Liberals won by 5% and even in gas plant McGuinty's old riding the Liberals managed to hold on to a 3% lead. In London, the NDP swept away the Conservatives with 10% and thoroughly punished the Liberals in Windsor with an astonishing 40% margin of victory.

Ontario will see a minority government run by Kathleen Wynne and Andrea Horwath, and Tim Hudak will see the back of the door at the next Conservative leadership convention. They won't need riot police this time because no one cares. Until Ontario conservatives find another leader of the caliber of a progressive Bill Davis, the taste of Ipperwash, Walkerton, the destruction of the best education system in the world, downloading, amalgamations, and partisan fascism will remain bitter in our mouths.

Enjoy it while you can Tim, but I fear that Holyday was your goodbye present.

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon

Enemies of The State

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Well, it's official. I've been a very bad boy according to Our Government. skid-creaseSo bad that I am classified as "an enemy" of the CRAP that rules the country. I found out when a friend who runs a political advisory company emailed me to sympathize that we had been branded. It wasn't a public humiliation where six squad cars of black ops police without name badges pull up to your home, drag you out and beat you, while those other guys with the big hats and red coats repeatedly taser you into submission. No, this is a lot more subtle, like that election fraud that never happened.

You are simply ghosted – Our Government won't answer your mail, emails, or tweets with anything other than a non-committal talking points response, if at all. You don't get invited to any speaking engagements, fundraisers, fishing trips, or caucus meetings. Your chances of receiving a plum appointment or a patronage grant are less than a snowball's chance in hell. You may find yourself stopped at the border as a security risk, especially if you are known to subscribe to nature magazines or other eco-terrorist resources like the IPCC Assessment Reports on Climate Change. And may the gods have mercy on you if you are a supporter of the David Suzuki Foundation.

Now I am part of that shunned minority of 70% of Canadians who no longer support Our CRAP Government.

I watched Michael Moore's Capitalism: a Love Story the other night (also on the enemy list). It reminded me with shocking clarity why I became an enemy of a government committed to the partisan promotion of profit over social justice, environmental literacy, and economic security for all Canadians. You forgot the old adage, Mr. Harper: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. As Attila the Hun revealed in his Leadership Secrets: "Do not underestimate the power of an enemy, no matter how great or small, to rise against you on another day." Let the games begin.

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon

The Robo-Fine Olympics

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BREAKING NEWS – The CRTC has just awarded the first in a series of medals to the winners of the Robocall scandal. There are three participants involved – the Right Wing (composed of the Conservative Party of Canada, the Wildrose Party of Alberta, the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario, all associated MPs and MPPs, and RackNine Robocall Services), the Centre (composed of one MP from the federal Liberal Party of Canada), and the Left Wing (composed of the federal New Democratic Party). The current standings are as follows:

Gold: The Right Wing with a combined total of $327,000.00 in fines

Silver: The Left Wing with a paltry $40,000 in fines

Bronze: The Centre with a meagre $2,500 in fines

The fine totals are subject to change pending further investigations and charges by the CRTC. Medals will be awarded by Pierre Poutine in a quiet ceremony during the summer parliamentary recess; unfortunately, like the Senate audit process, the event will not be open to the public. Hot Topic Button

Further medals will be awarded following the 2015 federal election, where a complete reversal of the standings is anticipated. However, all parties will have to be "call" tested prior to the awarding of the final medals. Experts have concluded that "using Robocalls during an election is like using performance enhancing drugs during the Olympics – if you are caught, you are stripped of your medals and banned until you prove you are really, really sorry."  Stay tuned.

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon

Of Pandas and Pipelines and Profits

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Having awakened from my winter hibernation, and ready to tilt at windmills once again, I am greeted by the front page news that our aboriginal peoples have been shuffled to the back of the deck – encore – this time by two adorable pandas from China. It should not have shocked anyone that the Prime Minister chose the Pandas in Toronto over the People in Ottawa. After all, the pandas are the ticket to the Northern Gateway Pipeline and the flow of Alberta bitumen to Chinese refineries. The Nishiyuu Walkers have no economic value to the Harper Government.

Please remember, our Prime Minister is not a statesman, he is a businessman and an accountant. Stephen Harper is the CEO of Corporation Canada and the country is open for business. Had he been a statesman, he and Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe would never have conspired to bring down the Martin government and crush the Kelowna Accord. Had the Kelwona Accord been implemented by the Liberal government of the day, Chief Theresa Spence's hunger strike on Victoria Island, the Idle No More movement, and The Walk from Whapmagoostui would never have taken place.

There is a reason why the World Wildlife Fund chose the panda as its poster animal – it is the most irrestably cute creature on the planet. You could put Kim Jong-un beside a panda cub and his UN ratings would go up. Prime Minister Harper's panda posing is the beginning of a long marketing campaign, sort of a cuter version of the Economic Action Plan commercials, to win the hearts and minds of Canadians over to the joys of doing business with China. And that ultimately leads to the approvals necessary for the Northern Gateway Pipeline and the billions of dollars that will bring to the economy of Alberta.

Next time you go to the zoo, just remember with whom you are doing business.

 

 

 

 

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon

PROUD to Celebrate Canadian Theatre

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Last night I took my family to the Canadian Stage presentation of "Proud", Michael Healey's humourously dramatic look at the goings on in the PMO after the 2011 federal elections. In this "fictional" work, Harper has scored an overwhelming majority, sweeping all the Quebec seats that went to the NDP in the real election, and turning the House of Commons into the Blue Room. What intrigued me about the play initially, other than I hoped it would skewer Harper on a satiric sword, was the fact that the Tarragon Theatre had dropped the production in the spring under fear that the Conservative government would withdraw funding from any group that staged a play of which the government might disapprove.

Thanks to some summer protest readings of the original sceenplay by various artists, and the courage of the Canadian Stage company, the play is proudly running at the Berkely Street Theatre in Toronto until the end of this week, but hurry – our performance last night was a sold-out packed house. And I thoroughly enjoyed the play except for one detail noted by my teenage son. Continue reading →