Rob Ford: just your average crack-smoking, drunken ranting, gang banging politician

Posted on March 4, 2014 by Skid

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Dear Rob,

Please do not be so humble. You are not "just an average, hard-working politician" as you claimed Monday night on the Jimmy Kimmel show. You are exceptional in every sense of the word. Your brother is exceptional too in his support and praise of you. Kind of like the families of those rock star wannabes who try out for American Idol. The ones who can't hit a single note on key, but whose families think they have voices like angels and they get all upset when the judges kick them off the show. Last night , your exceptionality was so obvious that Jimmy Kimmel even recommended on International televison that you get help for it.

It was particularly exceptional this past week when you held a press conference to challenge the Chief of Police of Canada's largest city to arrest you. You couldn't seem to understand that your history of drunk and distracted driving, famiiy violence, association with drug dealers, a video extortion scheme whose players were involved in murder, robbery and assault, and your televised racist and homophobic drunken rants may have attracted the Chief's attention.

For every nickel you may have saved the great City of Toronto, we paid for in shame a thousand time over.

No Rob, you are not average. Time to admit it.

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon

A Tale of Two Teens

Posted on January 24, 2014 by Skid

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It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. There in the deep dry heat of Australia, 19 year old Eugenie Bouchard made Canada proud, becoming only the 2nd Canadian tennis player to make it to a Grand Slam semi-final. With personality, poise, professionalism, and skill, she won the hearts of "Genie's Army" and Canadian fans alike.

On the other hand, in the humid wet heat of Miami, 19 year old Justin Beiber made the Ford List of Most Stupid Canadians by driving drunk, high, and prescriptioned, street racing and speeding twice the limit in a residential neighbourhood, driving with an expired licence, and resisting arrest. With arrogance, entitlement, ignorance and irresponsibility, he lost the hearts of "Beilibers" and Canadian fans alike.

For every Justin Beiber or Rob Ford, there is a Eugenie Bouchard or Naheed Nenshi to balance the forces of dark and light.

Choose your role models carefully my children.

*****

Skis Crease, Caledon

Oi, gevalt, Stephen! Such a fershtinkiner putz!

Posted on January 19, 2014 by Skid

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Ah, Stephen, what you won't do to secure the loyalty of certain groups, well, at least the more conservative faction, in our multicultural Canadian society. Just think of the fundraising power, the business influence, the political lobbying power and the voter loyalty that your undying support for Israel will produce. Although your salute is a little too close to being insensitive. Oi vay!

And now, with your triumphant entry into Jerusalem, on your first actual visit to Israel, you and your business delegation will have secured a CRAP future. Although your welcome on the West Bank will undoubtably be cooler, there are not a lot of trade deals to win there, so no biggy. And besides, the way Netanyahu is building settlements, Palestine will disappear in a few years anyway. Displaced peoples are so inconvenient and get downright militant when they try to secure a homeland. I remember stories long ago of another group in the Middle East that tried this after World War 2 – lest we forget.

So Stephen, although you may try to hide your true intentions, we can see through the facade and know you are not playing with a full menorah. Your political researchers have served you well on how to maintain power in Canada. Such a macher, such a gonif!

Oi, Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon

Trump and Black in THE TROPOS OF TAURUS

Posted on August 14, 2013 by Skid

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Reality TV fans rejoice! There is a new Canada/USA production in the works for a truly exciting summer reality show next year. It's being tentatively titled "The Tropos of Taurus" – used to be the Tropic of Cancer but the precession of the equinoxes changed everything. Regardless, a little island along the Northern Tropic will be the setting for this gritty drama beginning on June 21, 2014.

I have only seen a draft of the script for the trailer, but the premise is gripping. The idea is to strand five cast members on the island and leave them there from the Summer Solstice until the Autumnal Equinox. Audience viewers have sent in their votes for the first season and the cast is made up of Donald Trump, Conrad Black, Kevin O'Leary, Dick Cheney, and a Rattus norvegicus. The only luggage the men can bring is their egos.

Can't wait to see which rat survives.

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon

The Holyday is Over for Hudak

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Skid

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The recent by-election results in Ontario could be very bad news for the righties in Toronto. Toronto Council will be losing the reasonably competent Doug Holyday and Rob Ford will be losing a key ally. Provincially, Holyday's voice will unfortunately be neutered as an Opposition MPP, and locally a Ford-unfriendly Council could bypass an election and appoint a burr under the cheeks of Doug and Rob.

For Tim Hudak the news is even worse. Holyday's bragging rights were short lived – when the dust settled, the Liberals had taken 2 out of 3 close races. In his own riding of Etobicoke, fully supported by Ford Nation and the endorsement of Mike Harris, Holyday only led by 4%. In Scarborough the Liberals won by 5% and even in gas plant McGuinty's old riding the Liberals managed to hold on to a 3% lead. In London, the NDP swept away the Conservatives with 10% and thoroughly punished the Liberals in Windsor with an astonishing 40% margin of victory.

Ontario will see a minority government run by Kathleen Wynne and Andrea Horwath, and Tim Hudak will see the back of the door at the next Conservative leadership convention. They won't need riot police this time because no one cares. Until Ontario conservatives find another leader of the caliber of a progressive Bill Davis, the taste of Ipperwash, Walkerton, the destruction of the best education system in the world, downloading, amalgamations, and partisan fascism will remain bitter in our mouths.

Enjoy it while you can Tim, but I fear that Holyday was your goodbye present.

*****

Skid Crease, Caledon